Sunday, August 19, 2007

A Practical Guide to Drinking On the Job

I'm sitting here in front of my laptop at work trying to think of something interesting to write about, and I'm drawing a blank. After giving you such ground-breaking , hard hitting, Pulitzer prize type posts, I know I can't just settle for linking some article about beer in history,sports or politics. So I decided that I needed some inspiration...some liquid inspiration, so without a second thought I walk 40 paces to the bar and pour me a tall, cold one. On the way I look over and see some poor shulb at the bar in his suit and tie looking longingly at my glass of malty goodness, whilst he sips at his diet coke. That's when it hits me, I'm one of the lucky people that can overtly, drink on the job. Now, I don't mean to wave this in the face of cubicle dwellers, on the contrary my purpose today is to help you experience the kind of freedom and satisfaction that can be gained by drinking on the job.

First let's talk about who can benefit the most from drinking on the job:
  1. Doctors--I know what you're thinking, doctors have to remain alert and have each brain cell functioning at peak performance. Well I say hogwash, doctors had beer for breakfast and martinis for lunch years ago, it was said that the alcohol steadied the surgeon's hand. I have no scientific evidence that this is true, but it sounds good to me. I did find a Canadian researcher, Psychologist Catherine Ortner, who found that students who had been given alcoholic drinks showed better judgment than those on soft drinks. I must ask, don't we want our physicians to have better judgment? Only the falsely pious tea-totaller would argue against that.
  2. Judges/Lawyers--Judges of course should drink for better judgment(see#1 doctors). Plus with those long, loose fitting robes, you can pretty much hide a keg under there. As for lawyers they definitely have to drink just to live with themselves
  3. Law Enforcement--Odd hours, stress, the looming fear that each day could be the day you get bumped off by fleeing miscreants or punk drug-addicts. They deserve a beer! Besides they run little risk of being nabbed by the long arm of the law, since they are the law.
  4. Service Industry Workers--Putting up with irate, overbearing, demanding, non-tipping jerks can be made more tolerable only by putting on the liquor induced happy face. Fortunately we don't have a single jerk come to BBC so it's not necessary here. But if you don't love the products you're selling, how can you be trusted?
  5. Performers/Artists--Look at all the great artists, Van Gogh, Caravaggio, Rothko, you will find a bunch of drunken slackers Am I suggesting becoming a drunk will make you a great artist? Yes I am. At the very least, you will stop caring so much about becoming great. This goes for actors as well, all the greats were drunk, Orson Wells, Robert Downy Jr., Lindsey Lohan. I rest my case.
  6. Clowns/Buskers--To deal with screeching children, pancake make-up and the annoying squeaking sound tying all those balloon animals, you had better be drinking something. And until we walk a mile in those size 47 clown shoes, who are we to judge?
These are just some examples of jobs where drinking during working hours should be not only allowed but embraced and encouraged. If I didn't mention the line of work you are in, don't worry, your job probably also qualifies, just ask yourself if you job fits any or all of the main criteria: 1) long or irregular hours 2) dealing with annoying people 3) some form of labor

Now we should probably talk about the rare exceptions, the professions that I will not approve of drinking on the job.
  1. Pilots--Not really because they can crash and kill us, but because I just don't need the delay from some pilot late for the flight because he drank too many yards at the airport bar causing him to deplane for a potty break. For what it's worth I think flight attendants should be able to drink all they want.
  2. School Bus Drivers--Why? Because I believe the children are our future, teach them well and ...yada, yada.
  3. Barbers--A dude with scissors less than an inch from my head needs all his faculties about him. I know to most folks this doesn't jibe with doctors being able to drink, but you just don't understand how important my hair is to me. Without my thick, luxurious, wavy hair, I would be nothing. So Barber...No drink for you!
  4. Politicians--How else can we git rid of Ted Kennedy?
  5. Jugglers--This is a clarification for the clowns/buskers. If your act includes juggling sharp or flaming objects, then you cannot drink. We just don't want to see you fail. Same goes for lion tamers.
Now that we have established just who is eligible to drink at work, now let's establish some innovative ways to get it done.
  1. The Coffee Cup--Come to work with a mug clearly labeled COFFEE. People will naturally assume that the contents are just that. Only you and I will know that it is really filled with hooch. Occasionally blow across the top pretending to cool it down, this enhances the effectiveness of the scam.
  2. Sports Drink Bottle--A little more tricky than the coffee since most bottles are clear. You might want to add a mix of fruit juice and clear spirit, since beer and bourbon don't have a very "sporty" appearance. This is also good if you sweat a lot when you drink, people will probably think you just returned from your mid-day workout. Suckers
  3. The Aftershave Cover-up--Drink whatever you want but wear so much Old Spice people start tearing up within 10 feet of you. Even the most rancid alcoholic beverage won't be able to be detected through your toxic cologne cloud.
  4. The Loaded Fruit--No, I'm not talking about Cameron after he gets a few beers in him. I'm talking about injecting an orange or grapefruit with vodka. When you need a boost just eat the fruit. If some health nut sees you peeling and asks for a piece, just smell the fruit, proclaim that it has turned sour and throw it away. Then try suggestions 1-3.
  5. Become the Irreplaceable Employee--This can be quite difficult to accomplish but if you can become too valuable to fire, you will be able to walk through the office completely loaded, with a bottle of Early Times hanging from your hip and no one will dare bother you. I don't know how you can get to this point but I'm sure pictures of your boss in compromising situations can help make this happen.
I hope this helps open up a whole new world for you drinkers who have a working problem.*

never trust The Sober Brewer
Jerry Gnagy

*I am not responsible for anything that happens if you take this seriously.

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