First let's talk about who can benefit the most from drinking on the job:
- Doctors--I know what you're thinking, doctors have to remain alert and have each brain cell functioning at peak performance. Well I say hogwash, doctors had beer for breakfast and martinis for lunch years ago, it was said that the alcohol steadied the surgeon's hand. I have no scientific evidence that this is true, but it sounds good to me. I did find a Canadian researcher, Psychologist Catherine Ortner, who found that students who had been given alcoholic drinks showed better judgment than those on soft drinks. I must ask, don't we want our physicians to have better judgment? Only the falsely pious tea-totaller would argue against that.
- Judges/Lawyers--Judges of course should drink for better judgment(see#1 doctors). Plus with those long, loose fitting robes, you can pretty much hide a keg under there. As for lawyers they definitely have to drink just to live with themselves
- Law Enforcement--Odd hours, stress, the looming fear that each day could be the day you get bumped off by fleeing miscreants or punk drug-addicts. They deserve a beer! Besides they run little risk of being nabbed by the long arm of the law, since they are the law.
- Service Industry Workers--Putting up with irate, overbearing, demanding, non-tipping jerks can be made more tolerable only by putting on the liquor induced happy face. Fortunately we don't have a single jerk come to BBC so it's not necessary here. But if you don't love the products you're selling, how can you be trusted?
- Performers/Artists--Look at all the great artists, Van Gogh, Caravaggio, Rothko, you will find a bunch of drunken slackers Am I suggesting becoming a drunk will make you a great artist? Yes I am. At the very least, you will stop caring so much about becoming great. This goes for actors as well, all the greats were drunk, Orson Wells, Robert Downy Jr., Lindsey Lohan. I rest my case.
- Clowns/Buskers--To deal with screeching children, pancake make-up and the annoying squeaking sound tying all those balloon animals, you had better be drinking something. And until we walk a mile in those size 47 clown shoes, who are we to judge?
Now we should probably talk about the rare exceptions, the professions that I will not approve of drinking on the job.
- Pilots--Not really because they can crash and kill us, but because I just don't need the delay from some pilot late for the flight because he drank too many yards at the airport bar causing him to deplane for a potty break. For what it's worth I think flight attendants should be able to drink all they want.
- School Bus Drivers--Why? Because I believe the children are our future, teach them well and ...yada, yada.
- Barbers--A dude with scissors less than an inch from my head needs all his faculties about him. I know to most folks this doesn't jibe with doctors being able to drink, but you just don't understand how important my hair is to me. Without my thick, luxurious, wavy hair, I would be nothing. So Barber...No drink for you!
- Politicians--How else can we git rid of Ted Kennedy?
- Jugglers--This is a clarification for the clowns/buskers. If your act includes juggling sharp or flaming objects, then you cannot drink. We just don't want to see you fail. Same goes for lion tamers.
- The Coffee Cup--Come to work with a mug clearly labeled COFFEE. People will naturally assume that the contents are just that. Only you and I will know that it is really filled with hooch. Occasionally blow across the top pretending to cool it down, this enhances the effectiveness of the scam.
- Sports Drink Bottle--A little more tricky than the coffee since most bottles are clear. You might want to add a mix of fruit juice and clear spirit, since beer and bourbon don't have a very "sporty" appearance. This is also good if you sweat a lot when you drink, people will probably think you just returned from your mid-day workout. Suckers
- The Aftershave Cover-up--Drink whatever you want but wear so much Old Spice people start tearing up within 10 feet of you. Even the most rancid alcoholic beverage won't be able to be detected through your toxic cologne cloud.
- The Loaded Fruit--No, I'm not talking about Cameron after he gets a few beers in him. I'm talking about injecting an orange or grapefruit with vodka. When you need a boost just eat the fruit. If some health nut sees you peeling and asks for a piece, just smell the fruit, proclaim that it has turned sour and throw it away. Then try suggestions 1-3.
- Become the Irreplaceable Employee--This can be quite difficult to accomplish but if you can become too valuable to fire, you will be able to walk through the office completely loaded, with a bottle of Early Times hanging from your hip and no one will dare bother you. I don't know how you can get to this point but I'm sure pictures of your boss in compromising situations can help make this happen.
never trust The Sober Brewer
*I am not responsible for anything that happens if you take this seriously.